Seven Key Relationships #5
This is the relationship most people don’t understand, don’t talk about, and often get stuck in emotionally because the roles are changing and nobody warns us.
Your Extended Family:
Your Extended Family: Navigating Shifting Roles With Grace, Maturity, and Love
One of the most significant, emotional shifts we experience as adults is moving from being the center of our children’s world… to becoming extended family in theirs.
No one prepares us for this.
No one teaches us how to adjust our hearts, expectations, or rhythms.
Yet this is one of the most important transitions we make — not just for our children, but for our own emotional well-being.
When our children grow up, the entire family structure reorganizes.
They begin building their own seven key relationships.
They choose a spouse.
They form their own family unit.
They make independent decisions.
And suddenly, the people who once needed us for everything now have a life that orbits outside of us.
This is natural.
This is healthy.
And this is one of the biggest places where resilience, maturity, and unconditional love are required.
🌼 First, a Breath of Relief: There Is No “Perfect Family”
Extended family relationships can be complex, messy, emotional, and — at times — confusing.
As Dr. Paul says:
“It’s normal to have an abnormal family.”
Every family has its quirks.
Every family has its dynamics.
Every family has history.
You are not alone.
You are not failing.
You are not the only one trying to navigate shifting roles.
Knowing this helps us soften, breathe, and approach our extended family relationships with compassion — both for ourselves and for others.
🌿 When Children Become Adults, Your Role Must Shift
In your child’s early years, your role was defined:
You were the protector, teacher, guide, comforter, and decision-maker.
But as your children mature, your role evolves into something new:
👉 From authority to influence
👉 From control to connection
👉 From directing to supporting
👉 From being central to becoming foundational
And once your children become adults — especially once they marry or form their own household — you officially step into the role of extended family.
This isn’t a demotion.
It’s a beautiful transition into being:
A safe place
A steady presence
A source of wisdom
Part of their root system, not their day-to-day structure
Your relationship deepens not through control… but through acceptance and respect.
🌾 Order Brings Peace (and Prevents So Much Heartache)
Extended family comes after your spouse and children in the key relationship order.
Not because they’re less important — but because order creates emotional safety.
Many holiday conflicts, hurt feelings, and misunderstandings happen when people forget this.
Dr. Paul and his wife Vicki intentionally told their married sons:
“We would love to see you… but your family comes first.”
That one principle removes:
✨ Pressure
✨ Guilt
✨ Competition
✨ Emotional tug-of-war
It gives the next generation permission to build their own traditions, their own rhythms, and their own sense of family — without feeling torn.
As parents of adult children, offering this freedom is one of the greatest gifts we can give.
🌸 Acceptance vs. Expectation — The Shift That Changes Everything
This is one of the most powerful lessons in extended family relationships:
👉 Acceptance brings peace.
Expectation brings disappointment.
When we EXPECT:
Certain behaviors
Certain holidays
Certain closeness
Certain roles
Certain traditions
…we set ourselves up for hurt.
But when we ACCEPT:
Who they are
Where they are
Their spouse’s influence
Their priorities
Their boundaries
Their season of life
…we open the door to connection rather than conflict.
Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up.
It means giving space.
It means letting the relationship grow naturally rather than forcing it into an old mold.
🌿 “Be Interested, Not Interesting” — A Simple Shift for Deep Connection
At family gatherings, birthdays, holidays, or reunions, one small mindset shift makes a world of difference:
👉 Seek to be interested, not interesting.
Instead of focusing on what you want to share, begin by asking:
How are you doing?
What’s new in your life?
How’s work going?
What are you excited about?
People naturally feel loved and connected to those who show genuine curiosity about their life.
It reduces tension, builds rapport, and makes you someone they want to be around.
This isn’t just for extended family — it strengthens every relationship in your life.
🌼 Extended Family Is About Connection, Not Control
Healthy extended family relationships feel like:
✨ Flexibility
✨ Humility
✨ Respect
✨ Emotional maturity
✨ Curiosity
✨ Support
✨ Safe presence
You are no longer in charge of your children’s choices — nor should you be.
You are an anchor, not a steering wheel.
When you show up with acceptance, steadiness, and grace, your family learns they can trust you — not to fix everything, but to be a place of unconditional love.
🌱 The Nine Principles Still Apply
The same nine principles that strengthen marriages also strengthen extended families:
Positivity, shared values, humility, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreation.
Practicing these principles across generations builds harmony, stability, and emotional safety.
They give you tools to navigate the natural tensions that arise in every family system. (See Key relationship # 3 for details about the 9 principles)
🌸 On a Personal Note
As Lynn and I have moved through this season ourselves, we’ve learned firsthand how tender and important this shift can be. We raised four children, and now three of them are married with families of their own. Like many parents, we’ve stumbled more than once while figuring out how to move from being the daily decision-makers… to becoming extended family in their lives.
And yet, I can honestly say we are blessed with deeply positive, loving relationships with our adult children and their families. Not because we handled everything perfectly, but because we chose to keep Dr. Paul’s Nine Principles at the forefront of our interactions — especially humility, respect, forgiveness, and compassion.
When we leaned into acceptance instead of expectation… when we honored their new family priorities… when we showed interest in their lives rather than pushing our own preferences… everything became lighter. Our relationships grew stronger. And there’s a beautiful peace that comes from knowing we are part of their support system, without needing to be at the center anymore.
It hasn’t been flawless — but it has been rich, humbling, and one of the greatest joys of our lives.
🌸 Reflection Questions for Your Journal
How is my role changing now that my child is an adult?
What expectations am I holding that are creating disappointment?
What would acceptance look like in this season?
How can I support my adult child’s new family unit with grace?
Where can I practice being “interested, not interesting”?
How can I create emotional space so our extended family connections can thrive?
🌿 Closing Thought
You are entering a new season — one where your role becomes quieter, softer, deeper, and more foundational.
When you embrace your place as extended family with acceptance, maturity, and unconditional love, something beautiful happens:
✨ The pressure lifts
✨ The relationships lighten
✨ Your heart settles
✨ And your family system becomes healthier across generations
You are not stepping back — you are stepping into a wiser, richer, more meaningful role.
A role that quietly strengthens your family for years to come.
DOWNLOAD your 7 KEY RELATIONSHIPS Journal HERE
Watch Dr Paul Jenkins discussion of this key relationship on his you tube channel - Live on Purpose TV
🌿 Inspired by Dr. Paul Jenkins, PsychologistHow to Experience Joy in Your Seven Key Relationships
This series draws inspiration from the work of Dr. Paul Jenkins, Positive Psychologist and author of Pathological Positivity. His teachings on the seven foundational relationships—and his mission through Live On Purpose Central—invite us to see life differently, choose joy intentionally, and nurture the connections that shape our fulfillment.